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Author Topic: Down with Pompey!  (Read 2074 times)

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Butter

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Down with Pompey!
« on: October 23, 2006, 06:38:25 PM »

Hi, my name is Richie McWealthy.  I’m 21, American, and I’ve recently come into a large sum of money thanks to my dad, Moneybags McWealthy.  I’ve already had 3 years with my trust fund, and I’ve found my true passion in life… English football.

As such, I’ve decided to purchase a team.  But see, I like to have fun too.  I’m not in this just to win, I’m in this to HAVE FUN.  And, I was thinking, what would be the most fun to me?

Well, very few people know that as a young boy, I spent many months with my uncle Loaded McWealthy, in the South Coast of England.  I remember him as a fanatical Southampton Saints fan.  Uncle Loaded had the red and white stripes everywhere… his car, his clothes, his house… he even had a Saints room inside his house near the coast.  Another thing I remember… he lived very near Portsmouth.  Those people were the nastiest people you could ever hope to meet.  Every time they’d see Uncle Loaded’s car coming, they’d steer at him, then after they’d forced him from the road, drive away laughing and honking.  My Uncle was too proud to hide his fanaticism, but the people of Portsmouth were too stubborn to leave him alone.  His house would be vandalized, his car burgled.  Hell, I remember one time we were in a local pub trying to enjoy a simple lunch when we were accosted by a number of Pompey fans… my uncle was embarrassed.  He was saddened.  But he taught me a very important lesson: to always be proud of who you were…. Well, 2 lessons.  Be proud, and always root against Portsmouth.

It’s pained me the last few years to watch Portsmouth’s ascendancy to respectability in the English Premier League.  I thought that perhaps I should buy Southampton and lead them back to the promised land.  But I have faith in their current ownership to take the right path back.  What I can’t stand, however, is those Pompey bastards rubbing the Saints’ fans in the dirt every day.  Just because you’ve had a good couple of years doesn’t mean you’re suddenly God’s gift to football.

So, my friends, it is with great secrecy (I can trust you, right?) and great pride that today I have bought the majority stake in Portsmouth Football Club.  To make money?  No, I’ve got more money than I could ever count.  No, friends, I plan to take this club straight down the table… all the way out of the Football Leagues!  Then maybe Uncle Loaded can rest in piece (he died in a tragic lorry accident… no, I still don’t know what a lorry is either).

House rules
Here are the house rules.  I’ve got my eye on a number of crappy coaches, so that is not the problem.  The problem is, I don’t want to get lynched.  As such, the fans can’t know what I’m up to.  Therefore, I shall always take the recommendation of my assistant manager for the starting lineup.

Also, I can’t just throw crazy tactics out there, like a 1-3-6.  It has to LOOK reasonable.  So, again, we shall take the assistant manager’s suggestion on tactics as well.  But I may tinker with it.  For example, if we’re playing a great counter-attacking team, I’ll be sure to instruct the coach to attack early and often so as to maximize the other team’s chances.

Another thing…. Money is no object.  I am not going to just sell off all the good players.  That would be far too easy, and obvious to the fans.  I have not set any hard and fast rules as far as that goes, but you can bet we’re going to be bringing in a lot of players who look to be very promising… but in the end will hopefully bust, and bust hard.

Otherwise, it’s business as usual.  I will be puppeting all of the coaches comments to the media, the team, and the fans.  I will be sure to miss no opportunity to make Portsmouth an embarrassment to all of English football.  To make sure that the fans feel as embarrassed as they made my Uncle Loaded feel in the beautiful red and white of Southampton….

So, let’s get on with it… DOWN WITH POMPEY!!!
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Rafe

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Down with Pompey!
« Reply #1 on: October 23, 2006, 06:42:40 PM »

Within two seasons, I'd like to see the skates beaten at least 4-0 at home by Gillingham, if only to make Steve feel a little better about this season's frankly odd good form for Pompey. Do your worst, Butter!
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Jonathan

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Down with Pompey!
« Reply #2 on: October 23, 2006, 06:44:24 PM »

Ah, FM 2007. I can't wait for my copy to arrive in the post.

I suspect to get plenty of play in on the trans-Pacific flights I'm taking next month.
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"I believe that in the long view of history, the British Empire will be remembered only for two things. The game of football, and the expression 'fuck off.'" - Sir Richard Turnbull

Butter

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Down with Pompey!
« Reply #3 on: October 23, 2006, 07:10:34 PM »

July 2006
I’ve got a nice forgotten old man to coach the team, 76 year old Englishman Schmucky Wardlaw.  Wardlaw is the perfect starter manager… old enough to appear like he might be losing it, but young enough to deny it with coherent thoughts.  Wardlaw, of course, is pretty much halfway gone to drink every day he comes in, but a couple of Tic Tacs take care of that.

The books are in surprisingly good shape… we’ve got a balance of over $59M, with a $38M transfer budget.  I could increase that, of course, but I choose not to.  Our salaries are actually about $13.5M below the previously max. allowable of $56.7M.

The Assistant Manager recommends the following lineup:
GK: David James
D: Matthew Taylor, Dejan Stefanovic, Sol Campbell, Linvoy Primus
M: Niko Kranjcar, Manuel Fernandes, Pedro Mendes, Gary O’Neil
S: Benjani, Lomano LuaLua

2nd Team:
GK: Dean Kiely
D: Richard Duffy, Noe Pamarot, Andy O’Brien, Andrew Griffin
M: Ognjen Koroman, Sean Davis, Richard Hughes, Douala
S: Andrew Cole, Nwankwo Kanu

I’m going to focus on getting some morale down on the team during the pre-season.

I decide to go on holiday until the start of the season, hoping that things will go poorly while I’m gone, with the team running a pedestrian 4-4-2 during the pre-season.  I instruct the coach to make no personnel moves in my absence.
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Butter

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Down with Pompey!
« Reply #4 on: October 23, 2006, 08:07:48 PM »

Aug. 2006

We finish the pre-season with 4 wins out of 6 against some very lowly competition.  We have a 19 day layoff until our first match against Bolton, a team expected to contend for the title.  We are expected to finish right around the bottom, 17th in the official media polling prior to the season.

The media asks about the pressure on my manager… I instruct him to say “I just hope I don’t let anyone down”.

Aug. 19, Match 1 @ Bolton
2 of the starters are not thrilled with Wardlaw’s comments about his nervousness, but 2 want to help him overcome the nervousness.  Great.  

We run a 4-4-2 with all settings smack dab in the middle of the slider.  Wardlaw tells the team he expects a win to open the season.  Good start, as Gary O’Neil gets a yellow in the first minute.

Bad start, as Kanu chips the keeper from 20 yards out to open the scoring for us at 1-0.  But Bolton make it 1-1 after 7 minutes, as Anelka heads in a Vaz Te cross.

Wardlaw lashes out at the team at halftime, despite being in a reasonable draw at the break.  I also tell Wardlaw to have the team try to use shorter passing on the drenched pitch, and to throw caution to the wind and ATTACK.  A point just won’t do here.

We actually threaten a few times, but we get our desired result in the 77th, as Ben-Haim finds Nolan down the middle, and he powers it home from 20 yards to give Bolton the win.  

Wardlaw tells the team he is elated with them.

Loss, 2-1, begin in 14th

Wardlaw praises Sam Allardyce, and our next opponent’s manager, Steve Coppell.  I also have him tell the press he is considering giving David James an extended rest.  James does not like the idea of rest.

Aug. 22, Match 2 v. #5 Reading
I instruct an ultra-defensive tactic at home.  Wardlaw has the team relax for the match.  A scoreless first half flies by.  In the 2nd half, we hold them off a bit worryingly, but in the 84th, Leroy Lita is onside, and buries it low past James to give Reading a 1-0 lead.  Nicky Shorey scores a free kick to make the final margin 2.
Loss, 2-0, drop to 18th

Wardlaw tells the team he is pleased with the effort following the match.  Wardlaw officially warns James against his poor performance following the match.  He now feels he may have made the wrong decision in coming to Portsmouth.  Destroying James’ confidence is key to a string of bad results.

The fans were thrown off by our negative tactics in the last match.  May have to play it a bit straighter in the next match.

Match 3 v. #13 Sheffield United
We run an attacking 4-4-2 with a deep defensive line against the dangerous Blades attack.  The attack lacks pace, so we make sure to give them lots of room to operate.  The Blades with boatloads of chances in the first half, but they fail to score.  We come out fired up in the 2nd half… I radio to Wardlaw to pull back.  It works… we only get a point instead of the 3 we looked destined for.  Our first point… a road one.  Not good.  
Draw, 0-0, up to 15th

After 1 month, we have just 1 point, but 3 teams are pointless at the bottom.  Not good enough.  On the plus side, Kanu is upset that Wardlaw told the press we won’t miss him, following him breaking a rib in our last match.  Couple that with David James’ annoyance at Wardlaw’s yo-yo treatment of him, and team morale is headed downward.
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Jonathan

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Down with Pompey!
« Reply #5 on: October 23, 2006, 08:14:06 PM »

This is pure genius...you've sussed out that it's not only Football Manager, but also Football Chairman if you play the cards right. I take it that once you give Schmucky Wardlaw the sack (so as not to make the Skates suspicious of your motives), you'll replace him with an equally incompetent gaffer?

Might I suggest a middle-aged foreigner who has a decent-enough record in his own country but can't speak a word of English?
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"I believe that in the long view of history, the British Empire will be remembered only for two things. The game of football, and the expression 'fuck off.'" - Sir Richard Turnbull

Dan

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Down with Pompey!
« Reply #6 on: October 23, 2006, 09:13:24 PM »

I feel bad for Wardlaw.

:)
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Jonathan

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Down with Pompey!
« Reply #7 on: October 24, 2006, 02:32:22 AM »

In honor of this brilliant idea, while I'm waiting for my copy of FM 2007 to arrive from the UK (should have asked CR to pick one up for me), I decided to break out the 2006 version and see how far I could get Arsenal relegated. With any luck, I'll have them down to the Isthmian League playing the likes of Slough Town and AFC Wimbledon.

First order of business was to bring in a couple of signings that, in truth, I hope don't pan out, but show I'm "serious" about Arsenal. In a move designed to endear me to the Arsenal fans before the scope of my nefarious scheme is revealed, I even managed to scoop Marcelo Danubio Zalayeta right out from under Tottenham's nose! Once I had him on board, it was time to flog Jose Antonio Reyes to Inter Milan for 10 million pounds (I never liked him, anyway).

I received a note that Pires, Bergkamp and Gilberto Silva's contracts all expire at the end of the year. Won't be renewing any of those. They're too good of players to risk it. Jens Lehmann isn't, but for some reason the game seems to think he is. I'll have to be sure to crush his spirit.

It's harder than you think to do this with a team like Arsenal. In the first game, despite my best efforts, we beat West Ham, 4-0: whoops! Oh well, nowhere to go but down, right? In the second match, against Middlesbrough, it looked like we'd go into the locker room with a 0-0 draw until Emmanuel Eboue sent home a pile driver from 25 yards in first-half stoppage time. I made sure to give him the hairdryer treatment at halftime for that one.

A second goal made me re-think this whole exercise, but thankfully Yakubu was able to bag a brace within five minutes to ensure we'd drop our first points of the season. Follow that up with a 1-0 loss at Wigan (which I made sure to praise the players' performances for, after reading Lehmann the riot act at halftime for keeping a clean sheet), and the Arse currently lie 8th in the Premiership after three matches.

We've just been drawn into our Champions' League pools. I'm thinking about actually trying to win the European (and domestic cup) matches just to throw the fans and the boardroom off the scent. If it doesn't work, and kindly 71-year-old Wilf McKimmon gets the sack for Arsenal's poor league performance, well then I just know there's a middle-aged Spaniard who doesn't speak much English just waiting in the wings to take over and pick up where dear old Wilf left off...
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"I believe that in the long view of history, the British Empire will be remembered only for two things. The game of football, and the expression 'fuck off.'" - Sir Richard Turnbull

Butter

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Down with Pompey!
« Reply #8 on: October 24, 2006, 07:41:38 AM »

I actually plan to continue using the Assistant Manager's recommendations for each match.  They never change, so the same guys will get worn down, while the backups that so desperately need playing time will rot on the bench.  I only used one sub in the first 3 matches, and that was due to Kanu's injury.  

I'm considering how best to more completely implement my scheme on Wed. night, my next planned session.  Suggestions are welcome.
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Jonathan

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Down with Pompey!
« Reply #9 on: October 25, 2006, 01:05:59 AM »

The next three games of Wilf McKimmon's Arsenal career were just like the first three. An accidental 2-0 win against Birmingham City to close out August, then a draw at home against West Brom. Finally a loss: 2-0 against Newcastle at St. James' Park. This left the Arse on 8 points after six matches, much too much to go down.

Thankfully, we suffered what could only be described as an embarassing 2-0 defeat to Fulham at home. Unfortunately, we managed to draw 1-1 with Man City on the road after going down to them early when Phillippe Senderos fouled Darius Vassell in the box for a penalty. Stupid Gilberto Silva had to equalise. Wilf made sure to yell at Gilberto, while praising Senderos, for the entire halftime. Nobody else got so much as a cup of tea.

Meanwhile, Arsenal's European adventure began, and, in contrast to league form, it's quite good, with maximum points from the first two Champions League matches. Hopefully this will keep the Gooners fans off Wilf's back whilst he sends them (hopefully) hurtling down the league ladder.

Meanwhile, Wilf offers Robert Pires to everyone for the knock-down price of 2 million quid. He's too much of a liability - you never know when he's going to put one in the back of the net. He can leave next year on a Bosman, after all, so it's good to try to get something for him, right? Oops! The media just "happened" to get a copy of the offer fax. Silly old Wilf! The geezer obviously can't operate a fax machine.

Oh dear. The physio just reported that Thierry Henry (who hasn't played the full 90 in a league match yet this season) is going to be out for three to four weeks with a hamstring strain. Just awful, awful, wonderful terrible amazingly good news. Curse this bad luck! :)
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"I believe that in the long view of history, the British Empire will be remembered only for two things. The game of football, and the expression 'fuck off.'" - Sir Richard Turnbull

Jonathan

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Down with Pompey!
« Reply #10 on: October 25, 2006, 01:31:47 AM »

One more match before bedtime:

A bore 0-0 draw against a completely uncooperative Everton. Thankfully, a lot of the other results went our way and Arsenal now sit in 13th place, a mere three points above the drop zone as we begin November.

Meanwhile, Pires signed for Barcelona for 2.5 million pounds. He'll stop stuffing up Arsenal matches come January 1.
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"I believe that in the long view of history, the British Empire will be remembered only for two things. The game of football, and the expression 'fuck off.'" - Sir Richard Turnbull

Cockney Rebel

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Down with Pompey!
« Reply #11 on: October 25, 2006, 05:30:26 AM »

I just found this thread!

Oh Butter - this is is most excellent.

I will not call you a douchebag again. (Until next time)

So, you're taking the weekly advice of Tony "make mine a pint!" Adams?

Last night SFC lost 2-0 to L2's fucking Notts County. I think George Burley was playing FM2006 for that game too?!
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Butter

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Down with Pompey!
« Reply #12 on: October 25, 2006, 07:34:07 AM »

Quote from: "Cockney Rebel"
So, you're taking the weekly advice of Tony "make mine a pint!" Adams?


That's the guy.  Seems to be fairly clueless, as most AssMan's are on this game.
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slow-dog

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Down with Pompey!
« Reply #13 on: October 25, 2006, 11:58:47 AM »

Quote from: "Butter"
I'm considering how best to more completely implement my scheme on Wed. night, my next planned session.  Suggestions are welcome.


I only played the demo once, but can't you muck with the training regimens during the season?  I'm thinking that daily grueling conditioning workouts for your strikers would be useful, and perhaps switch your GK to offensive drills?
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Butter

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Down with Pompey!
« Reply #14 on: October 25, 2006, 12:07:12 PM »

Good ideas, s-d.  Didn't really think about that.  I could make ridiculously heavy training regimens that will be sure to leave us with many injuries, or train players out of position so that their skills deteriorate more rapidly.

Good, good.  *rubs hands together in an evil fashion*
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